The Struggles of a Neurodivergent Streamer
- gemziilouttv
- Jul 3, 2022
- 16 min read
You are probably reading this because you are neurodivergent in some way, suspect you might be, know someone who is, or you are just interested in the subject. I’m going to start with an apology to my fellow ADHD people: This is long and I know you might not make it past the first paragraph, but trust me on this… You are probably going to relate, so stick with it.
DISCLAIMER: The following content is based on my own personal experiences and knowledge of ADHD/ASD symptoms. Relating to these experiences doesn't necessarily mean you are neurodivergent, as they can affect anyone. I would recommend conducting your own research and seeking advice/diagnosis from a medical professional if you believe you might be.
You might find it useful to go back and read the "A little about me" section if you haven't already, just so you know a little more about my diagnosis and situation before reading on.
In recent months, I have watched in awe as one of my close online friends has gone from being a brand new streamer, to one that’s growing so quickly and is loved by many, in the short space of about six months. She has achieved this by doing all of the things they tell you to do in those “How to become a successful streamer” videos. I am so proud of her, and whilst I am not jealous or bitter of her success, I am kind of jealous that other people have the ability to function in a way that makes all these things seem so effortless, and I know I’m not the only one.
Anyone reading this who knows us both will know exactly who I'm talking about, and she deserves all of the great things that I know are coming her way. She has put in the work and is reaping the rewards and I really do admire her. Observing her growth has given me the opportunity to self reflect and understand more about myself in this particular area of my life.
How to become a successful streamer
In order to achieve streaming success, there are a few main things that you need to do well in order to attract and retain viewers. I’m going to break these down and explain the barriers that I, and many other neurodivergent streamers, experience which makes success harder to achieve. This isn't for sympathy or to make excuses, it's simply to spread awareness and validate anyone who might feel deflated because they feel unable to do these things.
1. Networking
There isn't a single "How to" video, blog or social media post about achieving Twitch success that doesn't mention networking. Networking is about building relationships with other content creators in order to get your name out there, whilst showing support to others. Relationships built through networking should be genuine, and not just "follow for follow". It involves looking for content creators to connect with, getting to know them and their communities, and supporting them by engaging in their content, sharing ideas and helping each other where possible.
Networking is often deemed more important than the content you actually provide because for most people, they engage in content for the person, not necessarily what they are playing or doing on stream.
You might be thinking at this point: "Gemma, you know what you need to do. Why is this a struggle?". Well, let me tell you…
Social Awkwardness
I call it social awkwardness rather than social anxiety because I don't always feel anxious when faced with social situations. I have always had difficulties with talking to people I don't know because I worry about them not liking me or that I'll say something weird or awkward.
In person, I'm usually the quiet one in the room and I'll just watch and listen, unless someone speaks to me directly (or I'm under the influence of alcohol). I would rather pace the aisles in a supermarket twenty times looking for something I need, or go to a different store instead of asking a store assistant where something is. On the internet, I get really nervous about speaking to people I don't know, to the point where I wouldn't do dungeons in World of Warcraft without at least one friend joining me, because I might have to speak to people I don't know.
When I first spoke to my best friend about my ADHD diagnosis, this was one of the things she had the hardest time believing, because she has always seen me as a social butterfly. We met while we were in high school and back then I didn't care about what others thought, so I made friends more easily. It's only as I got older that I started to "mask" because of the reactions and treatment I received from others around me. I was "weird" and "quirky", so of course I got bullied. It was most likely this that caused my Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD).
RSD is where you experience extreme adverse emotions, and sometimes even physical pain, when experiencing real or perceived rejection. It's not part of the official diagnosis criteria, but it's very common in people with ADHD. If I go back to the supermarket example, being told by the staff that they don't have what I need feels like rejection to me, so it triggers negative feelings that I try to avoid.
My best friend now lives a few hours away from me, and most of our plans until recent years have involved the consumption of alcohol (festivals, nights out etc). Alcohol takes away the mask and I'll happily talk to anyone, so she has kept her perception of me being extremely sociable.
It's this social awkwardness that prevents me from actively searching for other content creators to connect with. I'm not being rude by not giving other people my time, I just worry about some kind of rejection so I avoid putting myself in that situation. With that being said, I do still meet people and network a little. It's usually a result of meeting people in an environment I'm already comfortable in, such as a friend's stream. However, this leads me on to another problem I face: keeping a connection strong.
Object Permanence
Object permanence is something you develop at the age of about eight months old. It's knowing that something still exists, even if you can no longer see it. Whilst I don't cry like a baby when someone leaves a room, I forget that people and objects exist unless I have a constant reminder that they are there. Don't get me wrong, somewhere in my brain I know they are still there, but I just don't think about them. This has caused problems with relationships and friendships in the past because I don't keep regular contact, unless the other person drives it.
When it comes to networking, there needs to be some kind of reminder for me to maintain that connection. I might pop into your streams and comment on your socials regularly for a few days or even weeks, but then something else will come up and you are no longer a thought in my mind. It's not because I don't like you or care about you, I'm just not being reminded of your existence. I also forget to reply to messages because of this. If I'm too busy to reply there and then, I'll think to myself "I'll get back to them after I've done this task". Once the notification disappears, there's a slim chance of me replying because I've lost the visual reminder that there's a message I need to respond to.
Unable to engage in "small talk"
A struggle that leans itself to both ADHD and ASD, is not being good at small talk, and only being able to talk about topics of personal interest. I might pop into your stream one night and talk away in chat because you're discussing something of interest and I feel like I can get involved. Another time, I might sit there for hours lurking because I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. Again, it's not because I don't care, I just cannot think of something to say to join in the conversation and I don't want to seem "rejected".
I've tried so many times to be better at networking (and continue to do so), but I've stopped giving myself such a hard time over it, because I can't help the way my brain is wired. I'm sure there are solutions to combat this, such as setting reminders, or scheduling time to network and reply to messages, but life is unpredictable and even with these measures in place, other things can get in the way.
2. Content and Viewer Engagement
When I go into a stream as a viewer, I want to be entertained. I also want to feel included if I choose to interact with the streamer and their community, by the streamer responding and showing an interest in what I have to say. The game or activity you're streaming matters to some people, but for a lot of people, including myself, it doesn't.
The general advice out there is to stream what you enjoy. Your enjoyment comes across in your stream, and adds to the experience received by your viewers. This again sounds like a simple concept to follow, but doing this can bring it's own problems.
Playing with friends
I prefer to play games with friends because I get bored quickly on my own. I also struggle to actually focus on the game if chat is busy. If I focus on the game, I lose the chat momentum and the stream tends to die. If I focus on chat, my friends are left to carry the game, or have to wait on me and it can become frustrating for them.
In addition to this, some of the friends I play with are also streamers. There have been situations in the past where there has been too much chat and noise from my friends responding to their chatters, causing me to become overstimulated. My whole mood switches and I just want to end the stream. No-one wants to watch someone who isn't in a good mood.
Small Talk (again)
When it comes to viewer engagement, here's where my inability to hold small talk comes into play. If someone new comes into the stream, I can ask the usual "How are you? Where are you from?" etc, but beyond that I tend to struggle to think of how to keep them engaged in conversation, and a lot of people just get bored and leave. The people that stay are usually the ones who either have an interest in the game, or are chatty themselves so they maintain that conversation.
Difficulty expressing emotions
I've always found it hard to show that I'm feeling a positive emotion. I guess it's a kind of RFB (Resting Bitch Face), which is fairly common. I always used to get told to smile by strangers in public, until I started a job that led me to finding my career.
As a trainer, you have to appear approachable and friendly, so I became more conscious of my body language. I don't suffer with the RFB so much now, but I still find it hard to show happiness. It's probably easier to explain what I mean by that. I am a fairly positive person and I am happy a lot of the time, but I don't always seem it.
Let's say I get a new follow, or a raid, or someone gives me some bitties, I see other streamers looking genuinely thrilled that they've received it and they seem so grateful. I am always VERY thrilled and grateful too, but I often feel like I have to force a more excited reaction to make people feel appreciated. Being mostly a horror streamer, I rarely have issues when I'm scared, you will definitely know about that, but I just wish I was better at showing that I'm happy about something.
Difficulty showing empathy
As a streamer, you are always going to get people in chat who feel comfortable enough to share what's going on in their lives; the good, the bad, the ugly. I am happy to hear about these things and I do care, but I struggle to show it. I feel that my attempts to just come across as fake or somewhat sarcastic and I know it can discourage people from sharing things in future. I also tend to avoid asking too many questions because I never know whether my questions are appropriate to ask someone, and knowing how I respond, I know that even when a question is answered, I don't really know how to act like I care.
With all that being said, I do try my best to acknowledge and respond to every interaction, it just might not be as enthusiastic or seem as genuine as other streamers. I'm not going to sit here and say those are my only areas of improvement on my stream, the rest just don't relate to having ADHD :')
3. Schedule and Consistency
Having a schedule and being consistent is a huge factor of streaming success. If your community knows when they can watch you, they are more likely to make themselves available to join your stream. Also, if they have come across your stream during their usual free time, then it can be a good indication that your schedule aligns to their availability to watch you, so they'll know they'll be able to catch you again in the future, making them more likely to follow. Without a schedule, your followers may already be occupied elsewhere and not be looking out for that go live notification.
Executive Dysfunction, time-blindness and distractions
For someone with ADHD, sticking to a schedule can be especially hard. Time blindness, executive dysfunction and being easily distracted all get in the way of hitting that “go live” button at a set time. My community know by now that I'm usually always late, but I always feel a sense of guilt and I know it makes me look unreliable or that I don't really care. Honestly, I think I'd be late to my own funeral, but I haven't found a way to stop it.
Being late can also mean that you're missing out on some people being there. Someone may only have a limited amount of time to watch, so by the time you do go live, they have to go. They could also assume that if you haven't shown up after thirty minutes you aren't streaming, so they give up waiting and find someone or something else to occupy them.
Executive function issues and time blindness affect every area of my life. Unless a task is of high importance, I struggle to get it done.
I mentioned previously that I'm studying towards a qualification, and I get plenty of time to complete the learning and each of my assignments before the deadlines. If I managed my time effectively, I could probably get away with dedicating just a few hours a week to it and that would be more than enough to get it done and stay ahead of the game. My brain will not allow me to do that, as hard as I try. Even if I force myself to work during set times, I just find that my mind isn't as sharp and I struggle to organise my thoughts. This often results in me leaving it all until a week before the deadline, and I have to cancel all my other plans and stay up stupidly late to get it done.
I put a positive spin on this by saying I thrive under pressure, but it does cause stress that I really wish I could avoid. I usually manage to get everything done, but it burns me out and then there's a recovery window of a few days needed to recharge my batteries. Streaming of course takes the back seat when I reach that point of "Shit, I really need to crack on with this work", and it's that inconsistency that leads to your community moving on and sometimes, never coming back.
Consistency is really important to make sure your community remembers who you are. I have noticed a pattern that if I'm consistent for a few weeks or more, I see growth. If I take a week off, I see a drop in viewership.
Hyperfocus/Hyperfixation
Anyone who has, or knows someone with ADHD, knows that we experience something called hyperfocus. This is where we become fixated on something like a task or an interest, and we put that as a priority above everything else. This can work for and against streaming. Sometimes I'll be so interested in a game, or streaming itself that I put in extra time and effort. Other times, I may have lost that spark so I don't feel like streaming at all for a period of time; from a few days to several months.
Hyperfixating on something else can cause the lack of streams too, because I'd rather be working on something else than streaming as planned. For example, I recently took an interest in graphic design so I have often felt that I would prefer to be creative and design emotes and overlays for my friends, rather than stream. It would be great if I could do both, but for a number of reasons, I can't do that.
It always feels like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. Once you take a break, you lose that momentum, and have to work even harder because you need to recoup what you've lost before you can move forward. You might take one look at my follower count and think "she's a pretty big streamer". I can assure you I am not. A huge contributing factor of this is the amount and length of breaks I have taken during my streaming career. One of the breaks was super long and unavoidable, I had a baby, but the rest have just been due to me falling in and out of love with streaming and just coming and going as I please.
The most successful streamers stick to a schedule, are consistent, and even when they take time off, they engage with their communities through social media. You'd have though that the structure of this was planned before writing it, because this takes me nicely into the next section: Social Media and Self Promotion.
4. Social Media and Self-Promotion
Being active on social media really helps you to get your name out there, and it allows your community to keep up-to-date with what's going on outside of your usual streaming time.
There's so many platforms out there these days: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Hover, Discord etc. Managing all of these at once can be a daunting task for anyone, but it's especially overwhelming for someone who's neurodivergent. Not only do you have you find the time and motivation to upload regularly on these, but you have to think carefully about the content you are posting to each one, because copying and pasting the same post does not help you with the algorithm that each platform has. A simple "I'm live, come hang" just does not work. Some platforms require a video rather than a written post. Some of them work well with a million and one hashtags, some are better with just two or three.
The time of day you post can impact your reach. There are ways to help you manage these things, such as posting things on multiple platforms at the same time, or you can set a schedule for posts. Even still, you have to put in some groundwork and the thought of it seems like a mammoth task and I don't know where to start.
I have tried sticking to just one platform, for example, Instagram. It works for a short while, but then I feel like I'm getting repetitive, or I'll just not have time or forget, so it doesn't happen. If you suffer with ADHD, you'll know that every task you perform, is broken down into several smaller tasks in your mind. This quite quickly turns one simple task of posting on Instagram into loads of little tasks, and again, it becomes overwhelming.
Task paralysis
Let me give you an example of how posting on Instagram can seem like such a huge task to perform. First you need a picture. What picture should I use? Usually it ends up being a selfie. Before I take a selfie, I need to make sure I look presentable. Being a single parent means that unless I have somewhere to be, my hair hasn't been brushed yet, it probably needs washing, I'm not dressed and I haven't done my makeup. Washing my hair takes about five minutes, but I need to run a bath or get in the shower. If I'm in the bath or shower, there's other things I need to do, so that bumps it up to about twenty minutes. Then I have to dry myself and my hair when I get out. I can't wear the same thing I wore the last time I streamed, so let me find something else to wear. I then have to put a bit of make up on. Once I'm all ready, I have to get the right lighting. The first picture is never good enough so let's take twenty more, realise I like the second I took the most, and decide on that. Now that I have my picture, what do I write in the caption? It's got to be different to any previous posts, it needs to be engaging, and I need some hashtags to make me visible to more people.
Do you see how much more hard work this feels like? And why it might cause someone to not even bother? The breakdown of a simple task can cause task paralysis: the inability to do "the thing" because of thinking too much about "the thing". It applies to everything, so it often happens just getting set up for the stream itself, and sometimes it's the reason those get cancelled too. It's not laziness. It's a genuine struggle.
Becoming overwhelmed and the return of object permanence
Social Media isn't just used for self promotion, it's a great tool for networking. When you start to post content, and engage in other streamers' content, the notifications start flooding in. I need the notifications to remind me to respond, but when there are too many, I feel overwhelmed and just clear them all without responding. This leads to the object permanence I mentioned in a previous section. If I don't see it, it no longer exists. Before long, I've forgotten that I was in a conversation with someone on discord, or that I was involved in a debate on twitter, so I don’t go back to it.
Almost there...
If you've made it this far, then congratulations! You're not quite finished yet though. I feel like I need to summarise everything to tie it all together.
We've established that it takes a lot of time and effort to make it big in the streaming world, or just content creation in general. You really need to dedicate yourself and be very self aware to know which areas you need to develop in. With everything I know about what you need to do to be successful, I could probably be a coach, and unless you really know me, you could wonder why I haven't made it yet. The truth is, it's not because I don't want to put the work in. It's because I've tried and I just can't maintain it. I'm done with beating myself up about it and questioning why I can't do all these things. I know why. It's just because of how my brain works.
With that being said, I enjoy streaming and I have met some amazing people in my community that keep me going. Having a small human means I can't go out and do what I want as much any more, so streaming fills a void of social interaction and it helps me stay sane. I have usually just given up on something if I can't be the best at it, but I don't intend to give up streaming any time soon.
My reason for sharing all this is to open up a little to those that follow me, and to let others know they aren't alone. I don't like to talk about my struggles to my community, I prefer to keep everything as upbeat and entertaining as I can and provide a distraction for those who need it.
A message to my fellow ND's
If you're neurodivergent in some way, and relate to some, or all of what I have talked about, then you are not alone. The standards set in a neurotypical society are difficult to achieve for people like us.
Opening up about your struggles doesn't need to sound like excuses, or that you're not taking accountability for your actions. It can be an opportunity to find support and see what options are out there to help you overcome the barriers that are preventing you from achieving your goals. I have spent most of my life beating myself up about why I can't be like everyone else, and that only causes more problems.
My advice to you would be to take some time to self reflect. Acknowledge what it is you have difficulty with and show yourself some kindness and compassion. Be realistic when you set goals, and don't compare yourself to others. We all go at our own pace and take our own paths through life. Focus on yours and adapt to what find what works for you!
Having ADHD, ASD or any other mental or physical condition does not mean you can't make it; I've seen many people who have harnessed their power and achieved great things.
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